Online Dating Secrets

2008-12-05T08:23:00.000-08:00

How To Start Online Dating?

2008-11-29T06:45:00.000-08:00

Step 1:
Why look online?
One word: choice. Once, the only people you'd find on internet dating sites were geeks; now you can find pretty much anyone of any age and interests. It's now thoroughly mainstream. The UK has the largest number of internet daters in Europe. Around 6 million people in the UK spent an estimated £63 million pounds last year, looking for love online. With all those users, you're bound to find someone right for you in your area.
________________________________________
Step 2:
Choosing a site
There are plenty of dating websites out there - some larger companies like match.com or Dating Direct deal with a full range of people and matches.

But you can also find specialist sites if you're looking for someone specific. If religion is important to you, there's a dating site for your faith, like Jdate for Jewish singles, christianconnection, as well as Hindu, Muslim and Sikh matchmaking websites such as asians4asians and karmaconnection. There are specialist gay and lesbian sites like Gaydar, Outpersonals and Girlsweb. In fact, the list of special interest sites is almost endless: veggiedate.com, equestriansingles.com, bikerdating.co.uk, greensingles.com, gothicmatch.com...
________________________________________
Step 3:
How much will it cost?
There are some free dating sites, but you may find more genuine potential dates in subscription sites; they also offer additional security checks and anonymity.

You should expect to pay about £30 a month - although many sites offer package deals which makes the cost cheaper if you sign up for a longer period.
________________________________________
Step 4:
Writing your profile
In your profile, you have to sell yourself. Be eye-catching - you have about three seconds to capture the imagination of anyone looking at your profile, so make your headline or first paragraph intriguing and different.

Write a slogan that is confident and positive, which provokes a reader's curiosity and reflects your personality, try something like: "Credit card owner requires compulsive shopper", or "vintage sports car seeks loving new owner"

Talk about what you are passionate about, you don't like travel, you love it. Be specific about the details. Women like passion in a man, even if it is passion for his football team.

Finish on something controversial, like, ‘I'm looking for someone who loves marmite', it will get you loads more responses.
Be optimistic, and leave out any baggage from past relationships - negativity can give a really bad first impression.

Be honest about your height and weight, otherwise they are just going to get a shock in person.

TOP TIP: If you're stuck, get a friend to write it for you! They will be able to be honest about you, without being humble or arrogant. Alternatively, get a member of the opposite sex to write it - they will know how to sell you to your target market!
________________________________________
Step 5:
Putting up a photo
Each dating site has different rules for photos, like no nudity, no extreme close-ups or blurry images, no photos of other people; it's vital to check the rules of your site before posting a picture, as otherwise it may be deleted.

Find a photo of yourself that is not misleading or out-of-date, a clear and simple photo, looking happy and natural will send the right message.

Unless you're prepared for a lot of sleazy attention, don't make your photo too sexually provocative.
________________________________________
Step 6:
Making contact
Now your profile is fully set up, it's time to make some contacts. Have a browse around the site, looking at a range of people. The choice can be a little overwhelming, so be discerning and keep your options open.

When you come across someone that sounds interesting, send them a short message to initiate contact.

In general, men do not get any messages from women. It is important for men to do the chasing.

But that doesn't mean that you girls have to sit back and wait! Most sites have a facility that allows you to "wink" or show interest in profiles to let a potential date know that you like what you see.

TOP TIP: Not getting any responses? Don't panic! Rejection online is completely normal. It's common to only get a response to two out of every ten emails you send. Rejig your profile and see if you can make it stand out more from the crowd.
________________________________________
Step 7:
Following things up
So, you like their profile and they have replied back. If you feel comfortable doing so, you now need to follow things up and take it further.
Protect your anonymity by getting a new email address from a free email service such as Google, Yahoo or Hotmail.

You can also buy a pay as you go mobile phone just for internet dating. This means you can contact your potential dates, without giving out your personal number.
Ask them on a date after 2 or 3 emails.

Someone whose profile looks great can be a real dud in the flesh, so meet them fast!

Arrange to meet somewhere in daytime in public for a coffee or lunch. Keep the meeting short but sweet and leave them wanting more.
Congratulations! You've braved the web and are ready to reel them in.

Find Love Online Today!

After The First Online Date

2008-11-28T06:26:00.000-08:00

Should I e-mail someone after an internet date even if I didn't like them?
Hopefully, you will have done enough screening before you go on your first date with someone you met on the internet, so that you don't have a bad date and you do want to see them again. But sometimes you're gonna go out with someone and find the chemistry is just not there, no matter how much screening you've done. After that first date, if you're not interested, you should send them a standard reply: It was great meeting, however, I don't think we're a match. Good luck with your search. If they reply to you after that, just delete it. When we talk about standard replies, it's a great organization tip because you can type into a word document a standard reply, and then cut and paste it to the same people over and over again. You don't have to reinvent the wheel - it saves a lot of time, you don't have to think of what to say. Be polite, be concise: Thanks, I had a great time. I don't think we're a match. Good luck in your search.

What do I do if someone I don't like keeps emailing me?
If someone you are not interested in keeps emailing you, I think the answer is short and sweet - delete, delete, delete. Remember, the great thing about the internet and email is that you're in control. You can send them a reply and ask them to stop, and then you can delete them if they don't. If you still have trouble, you might want to block their profile if your site allows that.

How can I resist checking to see if someone I met on an online dating site still uses the site?When you've had a great first date with someone, there might be some temptation to go back online to the online dating site and see if they're still active and they're looking for others. But I'd check that temptation. Until you've been on several dates, until it's clear to both of you that you've clicked, until you've actually said you're not seeing other people, there's no reason they shouldn't be on the dating site, and you can too. Remember, you control the rules of your dating, so if what you want is a monogamous relationship, that's great. Wait until you've grown into it with this other person, and then at that point discuss: "Hey, should we shut down our web membership? Should we hide our profiles?" You can have a conversation about it and decide together how you're going to handle it.

I'm an active internet dater, how do I keep track of all the people I'm dating?
When you try intenet dating, depending on what you're looking for, whether it's casual dates or a serious relationship, you're going to meet a lot of people if you want. You can have a date every night if you want. So how do you keep them straight? A lot of people think that once they go on these dates they just leave their online dating website behind. Maybe, but probably not. You're going to want to stay with your computer. You're going to want to use those files you started with to organize and create folders for every person you date, and keep notes about how you enjoyed the date. We have a tool called the Date Recap which after each date you write down things that worked and things that didn't work, so that you can compare them over a certain number of dates and see if that person's working for you. That also helps you keep straight in your mind. This person is these dates, this other person was these dates, and it helps you narrow down the field until you're only dating the one person who you've had the best dates with, and you've kept track of it along the way.

Find Love Online Today!

Online Dating Safety

2008-11-28T06:23:00.000-08:00

What are some safety tips for online dating sites?
Safety tips while you're online are slightly different from safety tips when you're actually dating someone you met online, but the same basic rules apply. Use your common sense. Don't give out your name, don't give out your home address, don't give out your phone number, until you've really screened someone and feel comfortable you know who they are, what kind of person they are, and whether they're going to be someone you're going to want to spend some time with. Online safety is also a lot like safety in general. How many times have you said to yourself, "I knew I shouldn't have done this," or, "Why didn't I listen to my gut?" That's what we say for safety while online dating. Listen to your gut; it's always right. The wonderful thing is that you don't have to justify it to anybody. They're at another computer somewhere else. Anything - even if you can't really figure out why - that doesn't seem right, either stop corresponding or don't reply to that email. You are in control and you have the power in online dating.

Can I use my regular e-mail address for online dating?
For online dating, you don't want to use your regular e-mail address for many reasons, mostly because you want that e-mail address to be disposable. Eventually you will meet your mate online, and you want to be able to stop using that e-mail address.

Is it okay to post my phone number on my online dating profile?
The short answer is that it's never okay to post your phone number on your online dating profile. Use the technology to stay safe and be convenient, and use e-mails instead of the phone, until you initiate a correspondence. Then it's fine to call, but do not put your phone number in your online profile.

Do online dating site perform background checks on their members?
Most of your major online dating sites will tell you upfront that they screen their members for safety, and will follow up with you if something unsafe has taken place with one of their members. You need to look at the terms and conditions on your online dating web site to see if they offer that service. You want to make sure that they do.

How do I know if I'm dealing with someone dangerous on an online dating site?
You can't know in advance whether someone is a dangerous person, but you can take certain safety precautions. Screening is essential in life, but you can do it particularly well in online dating. You want to email back and forth - we can't say it enough - to screen people, to ask them questions, to try to trap them in lies. If they're not lying, it's great, you've just got a lot of answers to questions, but if they are lying, you'll trip them up somewhere. Get a lot of detail about people. Ask them what they do on weekends, ask them what they did last weekend, find out where they went to school, find out where they grew up. Most importantly, Google them. If they are a dangerous person, or at least have been in the past, you're likely to find something about them. Screening is essential for online dating safety.

Is it true online dating can be safer than traditional dating?
Sometimes it seems as though online dating can be safer than regular dating. It's because everything's in writing. You haven't even met the person yet, and you've got their photograph, you've got an email correspondence, you've gone back and forth, asking all kinds of questions, so you really have an opportunity to screen out whether there's something not quite right about this person, or whether there's something that just doesn't match up. You have a great opportunity to use your own gut to figure out whether this is the right person, and that's what makes online dating safer.

What are some online dating safety tips for a first date?
In our seminars, our students always want us to provide safety tips for when they go on that first date with someone they met online. We tell them: online dating is no different from any other form of dating. The first time you meet someone you don't know very well, there are classic safety tips that you follow. We asked our classes: see if you can name them, and they always can. They're the obvious: always meet in a public place and arrange your own transportation. Those are two of them, there are eight more, and I'm sure if you sat down and thought you could name them yourself. We're talking a lot about safety in the first date with someone you've met online, and they're all good tips, but don't forget to be creative and have fun. Don't be scared. One way of being creative is to kind of think outside the box. For example, you can have a lot of fun and be safe on a first date, by making it a double date. For example, tell your friend, "Hey, I've been meaning to go to this museum (or this wine bar or this music festival) with some friends of mine. Would you like to meet us there?" Your friends, or another couple, are added perspective, so they're there with you, you're having fun, you don't have to worry about that awkward first date conversation. Be creative and have fun with online dating, while staying safe.

Find Love Online Today!

Communicating On Internet Dating Sites

2008-11-28T06:22:00.000-08:00

How can I attract people to my online dating profile?
There are some ways that you can attract the greatest number of possible candidates through online dating. One would be to make sure you are specific in the terms you use to describe yourself, so that when people search those terms, they are going to find your profile. The second would be that once you've been online, make sure you do revisions to your ad on a frequent basis. Every time you revise your ad, it takes it back up to the top of the pile. You'll be the first and foremost that people find, when they do a search for those specific terms released in your ad. We talk about terms in your online dating profile; we talk about things that interest you. For me it might be sailing, board gliding, Venice beach, where I like to go, Yoga, etc. You want to be very specific and you want it to be accurate. You don't want it to be things, that you wish you did, like "I wish I went horse back riding," or, "I wish I could surf." The more accurate your interests and your passions that you put into your online dating ad are, the better

How can I maximize responses to my online dating profile?
Online dating not about the most replies. What you really want are replies from people who you are likely to want to go out with. You want an ad that talks about the real you, what you have to offer, and what you're looking for, so that no matter how many replies you get, you are going to be interested in each of the people who reply to your ad.

What should I do if someone I'm not interested in contacts me on an online dating site?
My approach to responding to someone you are not definitely interested in is to delete their email. The reason being is I know when I was online dating and I e-mailed someone and they e-mailed me back that they were not interested, I did not want to see that. I got excited, I would see the e-mail, but if it was a "no" I would rather not hear from them. That gives me the answer and meanwhile I am moving on to the next person. My answer is, if you are not interested in that person: Delete, delete, delete. Move on to the next, they will know exactly what your answer is.

Should I instant message people on online dating sites?
We prefer e-mail to IM, because you really want to use e-mail to screen out those from online dating sites who you don't want to go out with. You can craft a more thoughtful e-mail and do revisions to it before sending it. Then you can keep copies of the responses that you get, to review later, to see whether this person really works for you or doesn't. IM is just more temporary and off the cuff. It's a great way to flirt, but if you're really looking for a serious relationship on the internet, we recommend e-mail. After a couple weeks of online dating, you'll find there's a lot of different options, so don't be overwhelmed. It's about really what you enjoy. While we recommend e-mail over IM, if you find that you absolutely love IM-ing and e-mail seems to be a pain, then IM. Do what works for you - that's the great thing about communicating on the Internet.

Should I video chat with people on online dating sites?
Video chatting can be great. It offers an opportunity to get a close up look at the person that you're thinking about dating. You want to you use video chatting to screen when online dating. Is this someone who I'm interested in? Am I getting a sense of their personality? Do we have chemistry? Do I like the way that they laugh and think of things? You can get a more human input from video chatting than you can from e-mail. If you have the opportunity, definitely video chat.

How can I avoid online dating addiction?
Dating addiction is not necessarily bad. If all you're looking to do is date and have casual relationships, it's fine to continue to use the Internet for that. What we ask our clients to do is to sit down before they even start and write what they're looking for. What is their goal? What are they using online dating for? If what you're looking for is a serious relationship, if you know that in advance, you're much less likely to get caught up in the whole dating aspect of everything.

How long should I e-mail someone from an online dating site before we meet?
There is no fast and firm rule for how long you should e-mail before meeting; it's really subjective. What you're trying to do is use the e-mail to screen out people who you know you're not going to be a match with. You want to e-mail back and forth until you see you've really got some chemistry. Then you want to take it to the next level. Everyone has a different idea for how long they should correspond with each other before meeting, and we'd say it's going to be different for everyone. For example, I corresponded, and I don't recommend this, with my husband for several months before we first met, but that was because of our crazy schedules. But meanwhile, I was actually dating other people, so going on first dates or second dates, but I still found something very attractive about my husband. Just because I couldn't meet him, I still corresponded with him. It all worked out in the end. We corresponded for several months and then met because that worked for us. I would say there should be a time limit of six months, and if you're still corresponding, that's crazy. But you'll know in your heart what works for you when it comes to online dating.

If I meet someone online, should we talk by phone before meeting in person?
Use every resource you have to screen out the people who aren't right for you when online dating. It's all about finding chemistry. You e-mail for a while. If you feel you still have chemistry, you like the way they write e-mails, the way they talk, the way they think, then that's great. Take it to the next level and talk on the phone. You want to see whether you like their voice. You want to see them in action. Maybe they were studiously crafting and recrafting those e-mails. Give it a chance to see how they work in an improv situation. If you still like them, then you meet in person. Use every resource you have to screen them, so you don't waste time going on dates where you look at your watch in the first five minutes and say, "Oh my God, how long do I have to sit here before I can leave?" You notice as coaches we talk a lot about the screening process and that was the secret to our success. So, the phone is another tool. Use e-mail. If there's chemistry there, use the phone, and then meet. Use all those tools but at any point where you're thinking, "It was great with e-mail but on the phone it's very stilted or the voice just drives me crazy," that's a great screening tool. End it there.

When should I respond if someone contacts me on an online dating site?
When to e-mail is a subjective thing. People always ask, "Should I wait or not wait?" I personally don't believe in games, and when I went online, I wanted to find someone I could have a serious relationship with. I'll tell you this story: when I went online, I met with five men and the fifth is my husband, but the fourth was in the running, too, for a while. What I found with my husband was when we finished a date, he wanted to know when we were having our next date. When I e-mailed him, he e-mailed me right back, whereas the fourth got caught up in - days would go by before he called and he'd end a date and just say goodnight without trying to book me another time, and I didn't have time to waste. I wanted to be with someone who wasn't going to play games and was going to be there when I was there, who was going to be honest in his responses to me, so I dropped the fourth guy. I dated the fifth guy, and I married the fifth guy. I feel sorry for the fourth guy, but that's the way it is. You can wait a number of days before you reply, but you might be e-mailing someone like me who's just going to move on and find someone who's not playing games and who shows they're interested and is interesting to be with. As online dating coaches, we have a lot of clients and some people are able to spend an hour a day on an online dating search, and some might only be able to do it on weekends, and so it's going to be different for everybody. In your correspondence, if you aren't able to email someone back immediately - say 24 hours - you should probably say that. You should probably say that in your ad, that you do your online dating on the weekends, because no one likes someone who plays games, and it is a numbers game, people are dating a lot of people. Do what feels best for you when online dating, but if it's something unusual, where you can only respond on weekends or once every two weeks, make sure to say that.

Is it okay to email someone twice on an online dating site if they don't respond initially?
One of the great things about online dating is, in a lot of ways, it takes very little effort. If you sent an email and you didn't get a response, and you're wondering what happened, you can send another one. It takes very little effort - type, send, just say, "I just want to double-check. That's the type of person I am. I'm very reliable, responsible." If you don't get a response, okay, move on. Because it involves very little effort, we suggest being thorough when dating online.

Find Love Online Today!

Online Dating Photos

2008-11-28T06:19:00.000-08:00

How important is your photo in online dating?
Your online photo is just one of the four keys of online dating, along with your screen name, your profile, and on which dating site you post that profile. I think the photo is the most important, because as they say, a picture is worth a thousand words. A photo is a must. You're using online dating to screen, and chemistry, what someone looks like, is a big part of whether you want to date them. I wouldn't reply to an ad that didn't post a photo. Not only post a photo in your online dating ad, when you start emailing someone, you want to offer additional photos of yourself so you get additional photos of them. Ask for photos of something they did recently, showing them in an activity that they like to do. Offer one of you first - "Here's me rollerblading last Saturday, do you have a picture of you in the last couple weekends doing something you like to do?" There are two things there: you get to see more shots, more angles, and get a better sense of whether you have chemistry, with the way that they look; and you're also sure that you're going to get recent photos, and you're going to know that the person who shows up on that date looks like you think they look.

What photo should you choose for your online dating ad?
You should take a new photo for your online dating profile. You don't want to use an old photo for a couple of reasons. One is that people always wonder whether the photos are recent. If you have taken a new photo then obviously you can verify it's recent. The second reason is that you need to approach online dating as if it were a job. If you were going to apply for a job, you wouldn't take an old resume you have; you'd think about the job, you'd think about what skill set you have that fit the job, and you'd take that old one and you'd revise it and you'd set it up so that you seem more of a match for that new job. Your online the same for your online dating - think about that, think about what you want to focus on, what you want to highlight, what colors you want to wear, what setting you want to have. You want to think of it like a job, take it seriously, take a new photo. As dating coaches, we once had a client who wanted to post a photo, where she looked fabulous, she had this hot red dress and was lying provocatively on a couch, and it was a great photo, but not for online dating. The reason being that there is no way that she could show up on a date, unless she got there first and was lying provocatively on a couch and wearing that hot red dress, and great makeup, there is no way that she could show up on a date looking like that. We recommend getting a good photo, not the very best but a good photo, so that when you show up on a first date your partner will think, "Ahh," not, "Oh."

What are some photo 'do's' for everyone?
With my Swedish background, I love “dos” that are very simple. So, my top photo “dos” for everybody, are simple and free. You want to have great posture, stand up straight and smile. Doing those two things make everyone look more attractive and about ten pounds lighter. Once you have chosen your photo, ask your friends: "Does this look like me? Is this a good picture of me, not too good, good enough? Should I do something differently?" Bring in your friends and get some advice about online dating photos.

What are some photo 'don'ts' for everyone?
It's important that you take a new photo, but don't take a new photo with other people in the picture. Remember, people who are looking at your ad have no context. They don't know that's your friend, they don't know that's your brother - it could look like a husband, your friend could be cuter than you are, so make sure that the only one they can focus on is you. One of our photo "don'ts" for everyone is to take a new, that's N-E-W, not N-U-D-E, photo; do not take a photo you've had with anyone else in the picture and crop that person out, or crop that baby out that you're holding. You don't have any kids, but it's a picture of you and your niece, but you crop it out because someone's going to see what's been cropped out, and won't know the context. Take a new, N-E-W, not N-U-D-E photo for your online dating profile.

What are some photo 'do's' for women only?
One of our top photo "dos" for women is to think about your audience. We have a lot of clients who have a great photo of themselves, but it's a professional photo so it's done for their real estate ad or their business promotion, and that's great but it's not very sexy. You want to come across in a dating environment, not a professional environment. I'm not suggesting wearing low-cut tops to show all your cleavage, but do think about your audience and what makes you feel sexy and then ask a male friend if they find that sexy or attractive, also.

What are some photo 'don'ts' for women only?
The classic photo don't for women is: don't post a glamour shot. Women love to find a shot of themselves where they look their absolute best and post it online because that's how they like to think of themselves. But, if you're not going to show up on the date looking exactly like that, don't post that photo. Try to post a photo that's a good photo but not a great photo, and then wow them when they meet you.

What are some photo 'do's' for men only?
Photo "dos" for women are to be yourself. Not so much for men when online dating. Men, we don't want to see you being completely comfortable in yourself. Men, we want you to think classic like George Clooney, not comfortable like Larry the Cable Guy.

What are some photo 'don'ts' for men only?
Our number one photo don't for men only: Men, please don't take a picture of yourself leaning against your car. I know you love your car. I'm sure it's great. But women don't find that attractive. You see a lot of men doing that. Also, especially, keep your shirt on, please. Brad Pitt is the exception, but otherwise keep your shirt on, just have a picture of you, and don't be leaning against your car. Unless of course you're leaning against a Rolls Royce, and you're looking for someone superficial through online dating.

Should I use professional photos on my online dating ad?
Generally, we don't recommend that you get a professional photograph taken for your online dating ad because really, what you're looking to represent is the true you and the you that's going to show up on the date; not the perfectly coiffed, famously made up, airbrushed representative of you; the true you. Some people feel more comfortable with professional photos on the online dating profile, and that's fine, but generally, it's not something we recommend. As coaches, we don't recommend getting a professional photograph for your online ad but we do recommend using some of the tricks that professional photographers use. One of the best tricks is to have a picture of yourself outside in the golden hour - that's at sunset. It's a great light that everyone looks fabulous in. Have the sunlight streaming on your face right before sunset. You'll look fabulous.

How can I tell if someone's online dating photos are accurate?
We had an online dating client once who said, "He showed up for the date and I couldn't believe it: he didn't even look like his picture." I said, "Here's what you need to do: you don't just take that one picture and accept that as what they look like. You should e-mail to screen whether or not you're interested in someone and whether you're interested in them includes not just what they think or they say, but also what they look like. It's okay to not want to go out with someone because they're not attractive to you. What we recommend that you do is, when you send your first e-mail, send an additional photo of yourself. There are lots of great photos that you have that aren't perfect for posting for your ad - some of the older photos you might have, where you're at a party or with your family, or you were at a family reunion. Take those photos, send them to the person and describe the situation and ask them to send a similar photo back. That way, no matter what they posted as part of their online dating profile, you're going to know what they look like before you show up on that date. One easy way to find out if someone's photo they've either posted or sent to you is recent and accurate, is to show interest in it. Maybe it's a picture of them playing tennis, so say, "Tell me about what's behind that photo. When were you playing tennis?" They'll want to talk about themselves so they'll say, "Oh, that's when I was in college." Ask them, "I'd love to see a recent picture of you with something you enjoy doing. Would you mind this weekend taking some pictures of yourself, have some friends take some pictures and email them to me?" When you show interest, rather than being an investigator, they're going to share with you recent photographs and then you'll have a more accurate description of what they look like.

Find Love Online Today!

Online Dating Profiles

2008-11-28T06:17:00.000-08:00

What makes a great screen name in online dating?
Your online dating screen name is the first thing that someone is going to learn about you, so you want to think: "Will it wow them? Will it introduce something about you? Tease something that you are going to follow up with in your online dating ad?" I will give you an example of two great screen names because that is how we met our husbands, with these screen names. Beth used ParGolfer113. I am not a golfer but Warren, her husband, was and is, so he knows that refers to her loving golf and her best golf score to date. They were a great match because they are both athletic, both love golf, and that gave them something to talk about on their first date. I was looking for someone who also valued monogamy and wanted to get married, and I used the screen name TrueBlueFem. My husband found that very interesting and wanted to know more about me, and so I attracted someone who was also interested in someone who was true blue and loyal, and we have a monogamous relationship, got married, and it is great. That is a great online dating screen name.

What makes a great online dating profile?
As online dating coaches we help a lot of people revise or create an online dating profile. The most important thing we help them with is coming up with specificity. Too many people use generalizations and cliches in their ad. What do I mean? Well, browse the ads yourself and you'll see. Everybody wants a good guy with a sense of humor. Everyone loves moonlit walks on the beach and strawberries with champagne. Everybody seems to look as good in jeans as they do in Black Tie. Once you start seeing the patterns, that's what you want to stay away from. How do you stay away from it? Look at yourself. What did you do in the past month? Those are the kinds of activities that show what you like and don't like. You may be willing to bike with your boyfriend, but if that's not something you do actively, don't put it in your profile. You want your online dating profile to reflect you; the real you.

Is it okay to exaggerate in my online dating profile?
One of the things that people are really concerned with on online dating is that everybody is a liar. People ask us when we're coaching them whether they can fib in their online profile, so think about it: if you're afraid that the people out there are lying to you, do you want to be that liar? Even if it's just a fib, do you want someone to find out on your first or second date that you lied about something in your profile? They're going to think, what else are you lying about? Ben Franklin said it best: honesty is the best policy. It's Murphy's Law, because you might think, "I'm going to shave a couple of years off my age." But, I actually met my husband, who is 5 years younger than myself, and he was looking for a monogamous serious relationship, so he was actually looking for someone that was my age, at the time 35 and not someone in their 20s. If I had lied I would have never meet him so make your life simple, look for someone who is looking exactly for you. Don't lie, be yourself.

How detailed should my online dating profile be?
When we help our online dating clients either revise or create online dating profiles, we recommend you stay at about 200 words. Online dating sites are going to be vary. Some will have questions, some provide essay opportunities, some will tell you how many words they want. But if they don't tell you, aim for about 200 words. That's about three short paragraphs - just enough to introduce some specifics about who you are, what you have to offer, and what you like to do. A lot of people, if you're like me, want to be very practical and create a very detailed online profile. Let me tell you, don't be too detailed. I created one, one time, where I thought, instead of emailing back and forth, let me put all the information about myself that someone would be interested in. The replies that I got back from men were things like, "When's the novel coming out?" The great thing is people will give you feedback and you'll know immediately if you've been too detailed, or, based upon the responses, if they ask you questions that should have been obvious, you weren't detailed enough. Play around with your online dating profile.

What are some mistakes people make in online dating profiles?
Know your online dating audience, get some help from friends from that audience and let them be your filter. If you're a woman and you're writing a profile because you're seeking a relationship with a man, why don't you bring in a friend who's a man and have them review your profile? They're going to be able to tell you whether that line you put in there is cute or cloying. You want to know your audience, get some help from friends from that audience, and let them be your filter. As a dating coach, I find that the biggest mistake that people make in their online dating profiles is letting it sit there and not getting the results that they want. I've talked to clients who'll say, "I've had my ad online for six months and nothing's happening. I'm always amazed, because why didn't you do something different? I tell people the fishing story. Recently I went fishing with my father and a professional guide, and I was really amazed that we went to a fishing spot, threw in the line and we only waited 10 minutes before we tried the new reel, before we tried new bait. If that wasn't working, we moved to a new spot. I tell my clients to think of online dating like that. If something isn't working, try a new photo, try a new screen name, rewrite the profile, or move to a new online site. Think of the fishing story and move if it's not working.

How can I tell if someone is lying in their online dating profile?
The beauty of online dating is that you correspond through email. You have an opportunity to use email to screen people and screen what they are saying to you. We recommend that you email back and forth several times. We have a tool we call the secret screener that helps you get information about some of the top deal breakers that might be important to you. You go back and forth with those emails, you refer to prior emails, you show those emails to your friends. If anything doesn't feel right, if the smallest thing suddenly in your gut doesn't feel right, that usually will help you sift through the liars, so that you end up on dates with just the honest ones.

Find Love Online Today!

Choosing An Online Dating Site

2008-11-28T06:14:00.000-08:00

How do I chose an online dating site?
There are over 800 online dating sites, and counting, growing every day. What we recommend is to browse the sites. Many sites charge a membership fee, but those very often will also let you browse their ads for free. Search the categories, browse the men, browse the women. Are these the kind of people that you like? Do you find them interesting? If so, that might be the place for you. Remember that online dating is not set in stone, so you want to try, try, try, try and try again. Have fun. This is going to open a whole new world to you. Basically, when choosing an online dating site, check one out, check another one out. Ask friends. Don't just try one site because you've heard it's the most popular, and sit there and sit there and sit there, unless it's working fabulous for you. But try different sites. And, as always, have fun.

Should I join more than one online dating site?
Everyone's heard of eHarmony, match.com, JDate - those are the majors. That means they have at least a million members for you to choose from. But there are over 800 online dating websites, and that means there are a lot of smaller specialty websites, too. What we recommend is to look, it's a numbers game. Join a major site where you have the largest number of people to choose from. At the same time, join a specialty site - what you're looking for is if you have a passion or an interest, search one of the smaller sites and see if there's a site out there for you. That way, even though there are fewer people to choose from, you'll be guaranteed that everyone at that site shares your passion. Go to the major websites, where you're going to have a larger number of people who are random and may or may not be suited to you, and then a specialty site where you're guaranteed to share your passion. When we talk about specialty sites, what we mean is that there are sites for every activity that you can possibly think of. They didn't have it when I was online dating. If I was to online date now, I would pick one for sailors, I would pick one for yoga lovers, I'd definitely pick one for dog lovers. Anything, any activity that you can think of - tennis, golf, spirituality, you want to meet someone who also loves to volunteer their time. Really crazy stuff - people that also love pot, or love wine, or love whatever vice, you can find it. That's what we mean when we talk about specialty sites.

What is a 'specialty site' in online dating and how do I find one?
So how do you find a specialty site? It's very easy. You go to your browser. You type in, in quotes, online dating. That's online space dating, within quotes. Then you take another space, hit your space bar one more time, and type in your passion. If it's tennis, if it's yoga, if it's pets, type that in. Start the search and you'll see a number of sites that will pop up - that's how you find it. But don't give up if you don't find it when you type pets; type animals, type dogs, type cats. If you don't find it when you type tennis; type athletics, type sports. You can find anything in your search if you just keep trying.

Are free online dating sites as good as pay sites?
There are over eight hundred sites. Some are free, some cost money. You'll find as you go online that a lot of the smaller sites are free and the larger sites cost money. The smaller sites tend to offer free membership as a way to build them, and then get to the point where they charge money. Are they as good as others? Sure, because who is online dating sites? We are. People are. There are over 40 million singles at the various online dating websites. Obviously if it's free, it might be smaller. Smaller sites are free, so you might find that you don't have much of a selection to choose from as you would at a larger pay site. With online dating it's like everything else. You get what you pay for. When you do go to a pay site, you get a lot more convenience, and a lot more members. However, we recommend choosing one of the major sites where you might have to pay. Try a short membership see if you like it. Also we recommend the free specialty sites. They offer a lot. Maybe not as much convenience for membership, but definitely try both.

What elements make up a good online dating site?
What makes a great online dating site is very subjective. We tell our clients: think of yourself like Goldilocks. Go and try a site. If you like it, maybe it's too much for you, or not enough for you. Go to another one. But with over 800, you're going to have a lot of choices. Don't just listen or go to one because your friends are going to that one. Try that, but if you don't like it, that's no problem. Try, try, and try again.

Are 'adult' or 'discreet encounter' online dating sites legitimate?
The adult websites or discreet encounter websites, like anything else in life: beware, because they're changing all the time. It's really hard to say - this one's legit or that one's not legit. But you need to check it out and you need to be thorough, and if it doesn't feel right, listen to your gut. We don't judge - what we love about the internet is that there's something for everybody. We do recommend that maybe there are some discreet encounters or adult-only where you want to be a little racier; that's great. But it's really up to you to do some research and feel it out.

Is it okay to use social networking sites to date online?
People always ask us about social networking sites for online dating, like “Facebrook” or “Myspace” is the one most people have heard about. There's no way to answer what's a good online dating site versus what's a bad online dating site. It's really any place that provides an opportunity to meet lots of people, and screen through lots of people online, so you don't have to waste time meeting them in person, is a great place. What we found in our coaching, is that the social networking sites are used mostly by younger people; they grew up with the internet, they understand those kinds of sites, that's how they communicate with their friends. Older people tend to like a more conventional, organized site - they want to pay their money for a website, they want that website to only have online dating, they want that to be the focus of what they're going to do. Any place is great, but you'll tend to find younger people at the social networking sites, and more of a mature membership at some of the focused online dating sites.

Find Love Online Today!

Online Dating Basics

2008-11-27T07:16:00.000-08:00

Is online dating more dangerous than traditional dating?
As coaches, we tell our clients that we feel that online dating is very safe. Why? Because the Internet is us. You, me, someone you meet at a bar, someone you meet at church. There are good people in the world and bad people in the world. The Internet is us. If you're a smart person, you'll be able to figure out who are the good people and who are the bad people. Think of the situation of Scott Peterson. Scott Peterson was a set up with a single woman, Amber Fry. I always tell my clients, if Amber Fry had been dating online, she would have known immediately that Scott was a married man. How? She would have taken our advice, as coaches, to forward your e-mails to friends - forward it to your female friends, forward it to the male friends - and ask what they think about it. We definitely think that online dating is actually safer than regular dating, because you have a history of e-mails, you can easily ask your friends, and you can get advice much more easily than with regular dating.

What are some advantages of online vs traditional dating?
The biggest advantage of online dating over traditional dating is that it's a numbers game. It's estimated that there are 40 million people dating online. If you live in a town like I do, Los Angeles, that's about 5 million men that are looking for love online. Even if you live in a small town, that's got to be tens of thousands of women looking for love online. There's no way that you can meet that number of people, or search or browse that number of people, with traditional dating. That's why we love online dating. It's great. Another advantage that online dating has over traditional dating is convenience. You can sit in your living room when you get in from work, or in your bedroom, and open your computer, go online and screen through the millions of people who are online to find someone who's right for you. If you were to do traditional dating, you would meet on a first date. You would go out with them and in five minutes you'd know whether you like them or not, and you'd have wasted the half-hour that it took you to get there, the time it takes you to get home, preparation, everything. Convenience is nice. You can find people, you can screen through the people who aren't right for you in from the convenience of your living room.

What are some disadvantages of online vs traditional dating?
As online dating coaches, we haven't seen many disadvantages to online dating, but we do notice that some people are still afraid of going online. They don't understand it and so there's a little bit of fear which we try to combat in our book, 'Find Your Mate Online: No Fear, No Embarrassment, Just Love'. We show you how to get past that fear and get online. With online dating, I know that embarrassment is a big issue for some people. Even though I met a wonderful man online who became my husband, I have to admit sometimes I'm a little embarrassed. Especially when my 90-year-old aunt asks, “Well, how'd you meet?” I think her head is going to spin when I say, “Well, I posted an online dating ad.” But the bottom line is that embarrassment is momentary, meanwhile I went from being alone to being happily married, so it's worth any embarrassment.

How can I be organized in my online dating search?
As online dating coaches, we tell our clients that organization is the key. Look at your computer as though it was a filing cabinet. You can create folders and you can save documents or e-mails into these folders. You can label them with the name of the website that you are on, you can label them with the names of the people that you are meeting, the people you are interested in, the people you are not interested in. Create a virtual filing cabinet on your computer using folders. Some people may not feel comfortable organizing directly on their computer and so there's nothing wrong with printing out the e-mails and using the old fashion manila folders and labeling them with the screen name of who you are interested in or have a folder with your pictures. Old fashion ways are sometimes good when organizing your online dating.

Do I have to be a computer expert to date online?
You don't have to be a computer expert to do online dating, especially if you buy our book. In addition to our book, most people have friends or know a teenager who's very adept at going online. Ask other people for help if you don't know the difference between an ISP and an IM.

How can I attract the kind of people I want to in online dating?
When I pressed in my ad online, 80 men responded, I met with five, and the fifth one's my husband Warren. What was my secret? My secret was I really sat down and thought before I wrote my personal ad. I thought about what I had to offer, and I thought about what I was looking for. When Karin and I wrote our book, 'Finding Your Mate Online', we created something we call the wish lists. What that makes you do is sit down and answer a number of questions that help you figure out what you have to offer, and what you're looking for in a mate. Once you do your wish list, you find a clarity that helps you find the people you're looking for when dating online.

How can I overcome embarrassment about online dating?
A lot of people talk to us during our online dating coaching about being embarrassed, that they don't want people to know that they're doing online dating. It's six degrees of separation. Everyone you know has either been online themselves, or knows someone who's done online dating. Embarrassment in online dating is a very common feeling, so much so that we put that word in the title of our book. As a coach I tell people, “You basically have two choices: be embarrassed and be alone, or suffer some minor embarrassment.” I've suffered some minor embarrassment; it was a long time ago because I've been happily married for three years now.

Find Love Online Today!

Online Dating Terms

2008-11-27T07:15:00.000-08:00

What is 'Internet' or 'online dating'?
Internet or online dating is not like it sounds. You don't actually date on the internet. You meet people on the internet. We think internet dating is the matchmaking for the 21st century. It's how you meet people today. Online dating is matchmaking for the 21st century and it's for busy, professional people. If you don't have time to go to a bar at five o'clock, or hope that you meet someone great at a wedding, you can date online at two in the morning, or according to your own schedule. Online dating is for busy, professional people.

What is an 'online dating profile'?
When you go online to an online dating web site, you're going to select a screen name, you're going to post a photo of yourself, and then you're going to write a description of who you are and what you're looking for. The description of who you are and what you're looking for is your online dating profile. In short, an online dating profile is what you have to offer and also what you're looking for in a mate.

What is a 'wink' in online dating?
Some of the online dating web sites let you do virtual flirting, and that's called a wink. If you see someone's profile and it's attractive to you and you might want to meet them, you'll wink at them and that's how they'll know you're interested. As coaches, we tell people not to get so involved in all the gimmicks or the technology, because it overwhelms a lot of people. Just remember it's what's in your heart, what you're looking for, and that's how you date online.

What is a 'hotlist' in online dating?
Many online dating websites offer you organizational tools. Hotlist is one of them. You can gather the profiles of people that you're interested in and put them on your hotlist. Or on some sites, they have their own hotlist, which is recommendations of people at the site.

What does 'IM' or 'IMing' mean in online dating?
IM-ing, or IM, means Instant Message. It's a way for you to talk through e-mail in real time. You can actually be online and e-mail someone and they can answer you at the same time, and you can have a conversation through e-mail. Like many of the tools in online dating, Instant Messaging or IM has upsides and downsides. One of the upsides is that you can talk in real time, so it's not that you're sending an e-mail to someone you're interested in and you're waiting - you're talking in real time. One of the downsides of IM-ing is that you don't really have an accurate way of recording that conversation. E-mails you can save and refer back to them - it's a great tool for keeping track of who you've talked to and what you've said to them.

What is 'browsing' vs 'searching' in online dating?
The difference between browsing and searching is that in browsing, you randomly go through different people's online dating profiles and you get a sense of who's on the dating site and what they're like, and what the opportunities are at that site. When you're searching, you're looking for specific characteristics that you're interested in, and you're only going to look at people who have these characteristics that you lay out. For women, if you were to go to a shoe store, and you didn't know what kind of shoes you wanted, you'd walk down every aisle - "Do I want a tennis shoe, do I want a sandal, do I want a high heel, do I want a boot?" Or, you would be going to the store because you need a pair of shoes for that wedding, for example, and they have to be light blue to match your dress, they have to have 2 inch heels, they have to have a closed toe because your mother wants you to be very formal. You'd have a specific set of parameters that you take with you to the store; that's like searching. If you're going to be walking down the aisles, that's browsing. We don't want to leave men out of the definition of browsing and searching, so for men, it's much like when you go to Home Depot, and you're going down every aisle, just loving it - that's browsing. You're just checking out everything. Searching is when you need a specific power tool, or specific paint, you put in the key word paint or power tool, and you go to that specific section.

What is a 'screen name' in online dating?
Your screen name is your online ID. When you go to an online dating website, you don't sign up using your real name; you reveal that after you've met someone you're interested in. You start with a screen name and that's your online ID. When you create a screen name, you want it to be something about you and also your desires, because your screen name is going to be the first thing that someone learns about you.

What is a 'discreet encounter' in online dating?
A discreet encounter is for people who want to meet privately, in a discreet manner, without a lot of people knowing about it. There are a number of reasons why you might want to have a discreet encounter, and for those people, some online dating websites offer that opportunity. People go online for a discreet encounter, or they go online to find their mate. As coaches, we don't judge, and that's one thing that we love about the internet: there's something for everybody online.

What is 'hiding a profile' in online dating?
In online dating, hiding a profile means that it's hidden, but not removed. For example, you meet someone and it's going really great, you want to hide your profile so you can concentrate on dating that person. You don't want it removed because maybe it won't work out and you want to be able to go easily back and date online again.

What is 'blocking a profile' in online dating?
In online dating, you might want to block your profile sometimes. That blocks your profile from individuals who you're not interested in e-mailing with any longer. Blocking your profile, as Beth said, allows you to hide your profile from certain individuals. Don't forget that you have the power in online dating. You can always just delete an e-mail if you don't want to correspond with someone.

What is 'video chatting' in online dating?
Video chatting is a lot like instant messaging but it adds a video camera, so you can e-mail in real time and actually see the other person while you're e-mailing during online dating.

Find Love Online Today!